


Infinite Sadness

by benjiiskenobi



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Darth Maul - Freeform, Episode: s05e16 The Lawless, F/M, Infinite sadness, Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, M/M, Mentioned Darth Maul, Mentioned Satine Kryze, Obi-Wan Kenobi - Freeform, Obi-Wan Kenobi Gets a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Padme Amidala - Freeform, Pain, Planet Mandalore (Star Wars), Post-Episode: s05e16 The Lawless, References to Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008), Sadness, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) Spoilers, anakin skywalker - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:07:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29064057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benjiiskenobi/pseuds/benjiiskenobi
Summary: Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi feels lost. He cannot comprehend what has happened. After visiting Mandalore he finds himself in a desperate state of mind. But his former padawan Anakin Skywalker is there to comfort him.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Darth Maul, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Satine Kryze, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 6
Kudos: 26





	Infinite Sadness

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Major Spoilers ahead if you haven't seen the 5th season of Star Wars: The Clone Wars! You better go watch that season and then come back here! (Or just watch the Shadow Conspiracy Arc!)

Obi-Wan felt hurt. Lost. Alone. Empty. Devastated. His heart was shattered into millions of pieces. It felt like everything had been lost within seconds. And yet, he couldn’t comprehend what had happened. What had happened in front of his eyes. What Darth Maul had done. He had taken Satine’s life away. Just within seconds she was gone. In his arms. And Obi-Wan had not been able to do anything – literally anything. That was the worst part about all of this. It had happened again. A loved one had died. Again. Just in front of his eyes. How many times did you need to suffer and lose a loved one until it didn’t hurt anymore? Obi -Wan had lost so many, and yet he was still standing. Was still able to stand his ground and fight. Fight for the ones he loved. And the ones he had lost.

He sat a course for Coruscant and a few seconds later he was off into space. Space. His home, kind of. But it didn’t feel like that at all anymore. Not without Satine. She had been like that one bright star you always noticed when you looked up into the sky at night. And even though Obi-Wan hadn’t seen Satine in a while – not since the Rako Hardeen incident – he knew he could always rely on her. And now that was lost. She was gone. Forever.

Obi-Wan’s heart ached. First Qui-Gon, and now Satine. Both had died by the hand of Darth Maul. In front of him. He hadn’t done anything to stop Maul. Hadn’t done anything to protect them. He had just watched. And because of that they both had died. Died because of him. Because they were close to him. Once again, his attachments were the reason why others suffered. And even though he knew that attachments could lead to his own suffering, he didn’t want to admit that. But deep down he knew that he wouldn’t be able to over come Satine’s death that quickly. He knew that the thought of her would spend a lot of time on his mind. And with her in mind, he would also ask himself what he could have done to save her. To protect her. To be there when she needed him.

If the Jedi order had just sent reinforcement, then… maybe then… Satine would be still alive. But the order had been right, and Obi-Wan knew that. With Mandalore being neutral in the clone wars there had been no way in sending reinforcements. And Satine wouldn’t have been okay with reinforcements. Not at all. She was a pacifist after all. And war in the Mandalorian system was the last thing she would have wanted.

And seeing her angry and offended was the last thing Obi-Wan wanted. While jumping to hyperspace Obi-Wan remembered everything about Satine. Their first encounter, the year on the run, their farewell when Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon were no longer needed, the reunion on Sundari, their heated debate in front of the other senators. He could still hear her say the sarcasm of a soldier. And of course, their last encounter when he tried to rescue her. Just a few moments ago she was still alive, and yet it felt like a lifetime since she had gone. Since she had died in his arms.

Obi-Wan sighed. He was tired. And even though he felt empty his mind was racing. How should he be able to sleep and get some rest? He had to be on the battlefield soon again. How should he do that with his mind racing? With the knowledge that Darth Maul was still alive and not defeated? With the knowledge that Satine was gone, forever? And how could he explain what had happened?

With Coruscant getting closer every minute, Obi-Wan felt the urge to scream. But he knew he wouldn’t be able to. His voice had left him. And so everything else. There was only pain and sadness inside him. Running through every vein of his body. Obi-Wan was not entirely sure if he had ever felt such sadness, but he accepted that. Maybe, he thought, this is it. My punishment for all my failings. Deep down he wished that he had never returned to Mandalore. Never been too attached to someone. And never had fallen for Duchess Satine Kryze in the first place.

He didn’t know how to talk about it. But he knew that he had to. He had to inform the council about Maul and that he could become a great threat to the republic. And probably to him. Obi-Wan would never be safe and always on the run until Maul was defeated. Or until that creature had what he wanted: revenge. Either way, the order had to be careful if they wanted to capture Maul. And Obi-Wan needed to be in control of his anger. He had to.

The landing platform was coming in sight now and Obi-Wan felt the tension inside his body. Every inch of his body seemed to be stiff and for a moment he couldn’t move. What the hell had driven him to try rescue Satine on his own? He could have involved Anakin in this. Obi-Wan knew that his former Padawan would have understand. He would have helped him. But deep down, Obi-Wan knew that he couldn’t have involved Anakin in this. It was a personal matter. And he had lectured Anakin over the years that attachments were forbidden.

But Obi-Wan knew that Anakin would ask him what had happened. What had happened on Mandalore. What had happened to Satine. Definitely. He had borrowed Anakin’s ship and he had to inform his former padawan that his ship had been destroyed. The thing was that Anakin knew his master too well. He would notice if Obi-Wan wasn’t telling the truth. There was no need to think of a lie to tell.

After landing the ship, Obi-Wan needed a few seconds to gather himself. It had been a tough day and he felt drained. He had not only to comprehend what had happened, but he needed to get rid of the Mandalorian armour and tell Anakin about his ship as well. After a few moments of just staring at the ship controls, he left the ship. No one was waiting for him at the landing platform, so that was a relief. He knew he wasn’t able to say anything at all. And he wasn’t in the mood for talking either.

While walking to his quarters he couldn’t stop thinking about the sadness he felt inside. The pain and the suffering that would probably never end and always be there beside him. It’d just fade away with time. Obi-Wan sighed.

**Maybe he really was just meant for _infinite sadness._ **

***************

Anakin had been with Padmé when he felt something in the force. Something painful. At first, he couldn’t place it. “Are you alright?”, Padmé seemed concerned. She could always read her husband. Sometimes it was strange that Padmé wasn’t force sensitive. But maybe she just knew her husband too well. Anakin knew that he couldn’t hide anything from his wife (and he didn’t want to). “I don’t know. There is something. Something happened, but I don’t what exactly. There is just so much pain. And suffering.” He looked at Padmé while holding her hands.  
“What do you think this is about?”, she watched him closely. Anakin closed his eyes and reached out into the force. Within moments he was one with the force. He checked up on Ahsoka, but she seemed fine. But when he reached out to Obi-Wan through the force... he knew something terrible had happened. Pain crept up on him and he started to feel cold. Anakin frowned. His mind was racing now. What in the name of the force had happened? What had happened to his master? Why did he feel so much pain when he reached out to his master?

“I’m very sorry, Padmé, but I have to check up on Obi-Wan. He seemed to feel… sadness and pain. And you know what it means if Obi-Wan feels that way.”, Anakin kissed Padmé’s forehead. Padmé nodded. “Of course.”

On his way to Obi-Wan’s quarters Anakin couldn’t stop his mind from racing. If Obi-Wan was in such a painful state, what had happened? Even though Obi-Wan had borrowed Anakin’s ship, Anakin didn’t exactly know where he had been to. But feeling the pain and the sadness coming closer with each step, Anakin could only imagine what Obi-Wan had been through.

Anakin finally reached Obi-Wan’s quarters. He knocked at the door and waited a few seconds. No answer. He knocked again, but he still didn’t receive an answer. Anakin decided to enter. He needed to know what was going on with his master. He couldn’t just leave it like that. After entering Anakin’s eyes had to adapt to darkness and for a few moments he couldn’t see a thing. But he hadn’t to see a thing. He felt his master’s presence in the force. And he heard him. Heard him sobbing. He found his master sitting on the floor. His hands were covering his eyes. Anakin’s heart ached. How long had Obi-Wan been sitting like this? He had never seen Obi-Wan like this, nor couldn’t he stand seeing him like this.

He sat down right in front of his master. He hadn’t noticed at first, but now he realized that Obi-Wan was wearing Mandalorian armour. More or less. Obi-Wan had already removed the leg parts, but he was still wearing the chest parts. Anakin knew within seconds what the Mandalorian armour meant. He knew where Obi-Wan had been. And what had probably happened. He knew seeing Obi-Wan so devastated meant something terrible.

Before Anakin could say or ask anything, his master finally looked up. There were tears in his eyes. Anakin had never seen his master crying. Obi-Wan had always tried to avoid such things. Especially in front of Anakin. But now it seemed like Obi-Wan couldn’t avoid that at all.

Another sob escaped his mouth. Anakin didn’t ask what had happened. He knew it would take Obi-Wan a lot of strength to talk about it. And he didn’t want to force his master to anything.

Anakin noticed that Obi-Wan’s hands were shaking. “Let me help you with this.”, he pointed at the armour. Obi-Wan didn’t protest against it, so Anakin started removing the arm parts – in silence. He wanted to comfort Obi-Wan with his whole heart, but he didn’t know how to do this without forcing him into talking about what had happened. But every now and then Obi-Wan’s sobbing broke the silence.

Anakin was nearly finished with removing the armour when Obi-Wan finally said something. “She… she’s gone.” Tears came back into Obi-Wan’s eyes. And even though he was directly looking at Anakin, Anakin knew instantly that his master was far, far away with his mind.  
Anakin was shocked. He knew who Obi-Wan was talking about. Satine. Duchess Satine Kryze. He hadn’t known her well, but he knew how much she meant to his master. He knew how close they were. But he couldn’t imagine what his master was going through. If Padmé was ever taken from him, he couldn’t say what he would do, but he was sure it wouldn’t be something good. “She’s just gone. Forever.” The tears returned. His sobbing turned into crying. Anakin sat beside his master and pulled him into a hug. He noticed how tensed Obi-Wan was. His body was shaking. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”, Anakin patted his masters’ shoulder. It was tough being the one comforting. Anakin had never done that before. There had never been a situation in which he had to comfort his master. And the worst part was, he didn’t even know what to say because he couldn’t lecture Obi-Wan on having attachments. Not now. And besides that, Anakin wasn’t the best example for following the jedi code.

“He just… killed her. And I did nothing… but watch.” Obi-Wan’s voice was trembling. There it was again. There was the Obi-Wan Anakin had known for so long. Always thinking it was his fault. That he failed. But deep down, Anakin knew that he couldn’t convince Obi-Wan that it wasn’t his fault. He knew that his master didn’t want to hear that. But he couldn’t say anything else. There was nothing he could say. He was speechless. Just like his master.

So, they just sat there. In silence – sometimes broken by a sob. But that faded within time. Anakin still asked himself how much Obi-Wan had to suffer and feel pain. First Obi-Wan had seen how Qui-Gon was killed, and now he had seen how Satine was killed. How much pain was he feeling? Anakin couldn’t imagine. He didn’t want his master to be sad and devastated, but he had to admit

**maybe Obi-Wan was just meant for _infinite sadness._**

**Author's Note:**

> The Shadow Conspiracy Arc is probably my fave tcw arc, so I had to write a few words about Obi-Wan's mental state after losing Satine! And yes, it was a painful experience writing this. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are much appreciated. If you wanna yell with me about Star Wars just follow my tumblr!
> 
> [@benjiiskenobi](https://benjiiskenobi.tumblr.com/)


End file.
